


Yuanfen

by sherlockpond



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Episode: s02e03 To the Last Man, Honesty, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:49:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24944896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockpond/pseuds/sherlockpond
Summary: Old photos of previous Torchwood agents has got Ianto thinking about the inevitability of dying young.[Set during Series 2 Episode 3 'To The Last Man'.]
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	Yuanfen

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess I couldn't get this idea out of my head, so I hope it's enjoyable. I haven't had it beta'ed or proof read, so apologies in advance. And also, I can't believe that Ianto seriously only has the thought about growing old during CoE, because that's something that would come to you a lot earlier whilst involved with someone who's 'never' going to die.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely day, stay safe!
> 
> 'Yuanfen'  
> (noun.) Chinese.  
> A fateful coincidence, or binding force between two people's destiny.

Ianto says it quite out of the blue, halfway through his third bottle of beer “You know I’ll be lucky to make it to thirty,”

Jack shifts uncomfortably on the sofa and turns to face him. There’s a look in his eyes similar to a thousand yard stare, he’s facing the TV but he may as well be looking straight through it. Ianto brings his bottle of beer back up to his lips and takes a long drink, refusing to meet Jack’s eye. He brings the bottle back down and picks at the label.

“It’s interesting, Gwen and I were looking back through some old photos of Torchwood - Harriet, Gerald, all of them. I’ve been lying to myself, thinking that I’ll be in this job forever, that we’re all indestructible, but the reality is - we’re all just on borrowed time. Ever since I first started working for Torchwood, I think I knew - deep down, but just refused to acknowledge it. And now, even if I quit, even _then_ , there’s no guarantee something from the past wouldn’t come back to haunt me. I just...sometimes it all gets a bit much. Sometimes I do wonder ‘how much longer can I evade the inevitable?’,”

Jack digests his words for a few seconds “So, you’re handing in your resignation, is that it?”

Ianto shakes his head, and properly faces Jack “No... _No_ . Because I know, there’ll never be a ‘normal life’ for me, not anymore. The things I’ve seen, the things I’ve _done_. I could never go back to the normal nine to five, no matter how much I probably should. I just wanted to say it, because I don’t want you to think I’m being ignorant. Or complacent. I want you to know that every time I step into the Hub now, every time we go to investigate something - I’ve realised there’s a high possibility that I won’t come back.”

Ianto looks strained, the TV is playing some shit film to itself now because Jack can’t focus on anything but the words coming from Ianto’s mouth as he continues.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to live my life dictated by the probability of dying. I just don’t think I’ve ever really considered just how we all are, in general, as a Torchwood collective. All of us, except _you._ The faces around you change, Jack, but you have to stand by and watch them change. I can’t imagine how that feels, especially when it’s like this,”

He gestures vaguely between them, and then lets his hand uselessly fall into his lap.

“You and I. God, it’s embarrassing that I still can’t believe I get to say that. But I just...w - we’re just heading in different directions, I suppose. And for a brief period of time, we overlap. But it won’t last forever, I don’t kid myself that even if I make it to thirty, or forty, you would still be interested in me - I don’t want you to argue because I don’t blame you. I know we must look so fleeting to you. Fragile. I’d rather we’re honest with each other, I don’t want you feeling like you owe me anything - you don’t. I know, Jack. I understand.”

Jack watches as the younger man takes another sip of his beer and looks down in shame. It’s unusual for Ianto to be so open with his emotions, but it’s probably the alcohol and the strain of the day. He already looks like he wants to leave the room (and possibly the flat).

Taking a deep breath, Jack turns over the impromptu confession in his head before pulling together a response “Ianto, the limitation of time doesn’t make things less worthwhile,”

Ianto looks up, confused “I don’t understand,”

“Just because we’re heading in different directions doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the time we have,” Jack sighs, reaching out to take Ianto’s hand “and if you think, for one second, that I won’t be standing by your side for as long as you’ll have me you’re not giving me enough credit. I don’t _care_ about aging, or the prospect of you growing older. As long as you’re still you, and you’re happy for me to be by your side - I’ll stand there for as long as you want. You get to enjoy the one thing that I’ll never get the opportunity to have, the dignity of aging. I don’t know what old age looks to someone like me - and I don’t want to know until I get there. But you, you’re safe in the knowledge that with every year that passes you will grow a little older, grey hair, wrinkles, they’re all signs of a well-lived life. Laughter lines, salt and pepper hair, they show a life _lived_ \- not to mention that you’re going to look hot when you’re in your thirties and forties.”

Ianto scoffs and squeezes his hand “You don’t mind watching us all age?”

“Of course I mind, it’s not _fun_ but with age comes wisdom and respect. Let me tell you, having people think you’re in your late thirties isn’t always a good thing.” he takes a beat “Ianto, you get the opportunity to show the world what kind of life you’ve had - I don’t, I always end up going back to how I was when I first woke up - no scars, no bruises, _nothing_. Imperfectly perfect but with nothing really to show for it,”

“That makes sense, I guess,” Ianto says quietly.

Jack smiles wryly “When you get to my age, the idea of death isn’t scary, more of a release. But that isn’t the kind of life anyone should live. My worst fear is someone I...someone who means a lot to me... having to go through this - mortality is the biggest part of being human. Once it’s gone, it can make you feel like an outsider looking in, like there’s no place for you anymore.”

Jack swallows thickly “So as you get older and even more _gorgeous_. And there’s streaks of grey in your hair, and the corners of your eyes show how happy you’ve been, or a scar reminds you of a memory, I’ll be here - living it with you,”

They lapse into a few contemplative seconds of quiet, Ianto runs his fingers over Jack’s knuckles and bites his lip as he thinks over what’s been said.

“So, I just have to keep living through the days as they come,” he surmises, his face mixed with tones of sympathy and a fraction of jealousy, he smiles a little as a thought passes through his mind “and you’ll live vicariously through me?”

Jack shrugs as nonchalantly as possible “I suppose so,”

“And you really wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else?” Ianto asks.

“Ianto. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than on this sofa, with you, watching dreadful soap operas and crime dramas - -,”

“ - -and James Bond,” Ianto says quickly.

“ _And_ James Bond,” Jack agrees, smiling softly.

“Good. Me too,”

Jack leans forward to press a kiss to Ianto’s lips “It’s late, let’s go to bed,”

Ianto looks a little apprehensive, reluctant “I’m knackered, I don’t think I can - -,”

Jack laughs “Ianto, as much as I say otherwise, not _everything_ is about sex. Haven’t you got that book to finish - the Hardy Boys one from your Mum?”

Embarrassed, Ianto nods and Jack beams “I’ll turn everything off, you get into bed. I’ll see you in a couple of minutes,”

The younger man nods and draws Jack in for a long kiss, it lingers but there’s nothing particularly sexual about it “Thank you - for listening,” 

He puts down his unfinished beer on the coffee table and rises to his feet.

“Whenever you need me, I’ll be here,”

_fin_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My ao3 account is just becoming purely Torchwood fics at the moment, so why not have a browse at my other stuff?
> 
> sherlockpond.tumblr.com


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